The Fear

06 Nov The Fear

It’s probably a song title, or maybe a movie? I hear people talking about “having the Fear” and believe me , the Fear is very real. 

What is the Fear? For me it’s not having a plan, not seeing the way, straying from the path. For others, well I don’t know what it is for others, perhaps you can tell me? The Fear is different for everyone, but it’s real and it’s ever present. 

What is it that clouds my vision or obscures the way? Sometimes the general administration of life can be overwhelming and if you know me, then you know I have recently moved house. Apparently that’s a big thing. Who knew. Well, I knew and had it hammered home when I moved house and workshop at the same time. Pour into that mix two very sick cats, three conventions, a butt load of orders and a dash of opportunity and you get a boiling pot of Fear ready to dip your head in and gargle. 

I mentioned that the Fear for me is usually not having a plan and that’s true. It’s never the amount of work I have. I’m notorious for biting off more than I can chew. The work is wonderful, the chance to push myself, work hard and fast and please as many people as I can. I love it. My glorious partner calls me a steam train. It can be a bit overwhelming for those who aren’t used to it, but what a ride. She also calls it an emotional roller coaster, which doesn’t suit everyone. 😁

When I know what station I’m heading towards, which line I’m on and the timetable, I’m chugging along with my engine firing nicely. Without this, I kind of go off the rails. I can feel my wheels spinning but I’m not going anywhere. 

Ok, enough of the steam train metaphors. 

Yes, I did say it is ever present. Mostly, with the aid of a plan and a direction, I keep it at bay, but recently it crept up on me whilst I wasn’t looking. It grew and before I knew it, it was on my back weighing me down. 

So, how do I get back on track? Normally I wait, I push through. I keep going. I hope. It usually comes good after a small melt down, but this time it’s different. I have a plan! 😀 I caught myself in the act of a little panic. I sat down. I had a think. 

“What am I doing?” I thought. 

“You’re freaking out, Allan”

“Who are you?” 

“I’m you, dickhead!”, (Direct and deliberate reference to Lucas Testro. Thank you for giving me cause to pause for a moment), “Stop, sit down, have a think. You’re going in circles.”

“OK, yes, right. I will”,”why do I feel like this?”

“You know why,dickhead”

“Please stop calling me a dickhead”

“Oh, sorry”

“Thanks, but you’re right, I do know why, I have no plan. I need a plan. Plans always make me feel better. Just the idea of a plan is making me calmer.” 

“That’s much better, d…”

“Oi! Right then, I’m going to sit down, get a plan and stoke the fires. The 3:55 to awesome is leaving the station, all aboard!”

The point is, this was possibly the first time I interrupted the cycle. I saw what was happening, I caught myself in the act and I paused. I had a good think about what it was that makes this feel better and I did it, or I will after I finish writing this post. You see, I got so excited that I had to write it down and tell you. 

I hope your Fear isn’t too large and I hope to know what it is that keeps it at bay. If you catch if creeping up on you, have a sit down, have a think, have a chat with it and see what it needs to help it go away for a while. I did and I’m glad about that.